Survivor story  

This story was found on https://lwa.org.uk/understanding-abuse/stories/  

I met him in 2005, he had the kindest eyes, a smile and a laugh that lit up the room. He was full of charm and humour. It was all a bit of a whirlwind. From what I recall he had moved into my flat within a month or so of our meeting, we were engaged soon after and married the year following.

After the marriage, things started to change. He began to stop helping around the house. He played war games on his computer for hours. The new house we moved into always seemed to be full of loud gun noises.When he wasn't on the computer he'd follow me around, groping me. I really can't explain how sick and scared I used to feel around him every day.

I became depressed and anxious, I developed bulimia, my mental health plummeted and I found getting through the day really difficult. I started drinking heavily in the evenings. I'm not great with alcohol. I have these blackouts where I can't remember anything.

Instead of helping me, he started to take advantage of me.He went to the doctor at one point trying to cover up what he was doing with the excuse that it was in his sleep. Sadly this carried on. The more it happened, the more I drank and the cycle continued. To the point where he didn't even care. He'd fill up my glass at night I'd pass out. We both knew what was going to happen so I just accepted it and let him carry on. The next day I'd cry, beg him not to do it again, telling him I didn't feel safe around him. he'd apologise and promise he would change. I'd pray for every evening to be over quickly so he would go to work and I could bathe, scrub myself clean and spend some time feeling like a normal human being.

One day he went out to Tesco and brought me some cushions because he wanted me to feel safe around him. He was so sad and sincere in his offering. I felt very confused by his actions but I forgave him – again.When I married him. I promised for life and at the time I very much loved him. All I wanted was for him to stop and love me in the way a husband should but he didn't stop.

I'd spoken to friends about the abuse but I'm not sure if they believed me. Most people didn't want to hear it. I felt so alone, unloved and disgusting. I really thought I deserved it. He never said it our right but he often made out it was my fault. 

 I decided that it couldn't go on this way.He flew off the bed, crying like a little boy, begging for forgiveness, telling me he had a problem he needed help with.I told him to leave that night and thankfully I had the strength not to let him back. (If you want to read it more in depth , click the link at the top)